Back When We Were Kids…..

bandaged bear head and eyeOnce again I saw a posting today that listed all of the things that kids did back when I was growing up. As with most of these postings, it made fun of the fact that we survived all of these “bad” things such as drinking from a hose. Quite often while reading these items, I wonder how in fact we did survive. I guess Darwin was correct, only the fittest made it into adulthood. While reading tonight, I realized that in fact we are lucky that we did grow up today – actually my parents are the lucky ones. They would have most likely been arrested today.

My parents disciplined us like other parents of the day. We did feel the end of a belt, hand, and, thanks to my grandfather, cork insulation – it didn’t leave marks. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE – they did not abuse us. However, we did learn early on right from wrong, what was acceptable and not, and the proper way to behave. Just the same, my parents are lucky that with four boys that DCSF didn’t visit us.

The first issue that I can remember is the time I almost lost an eye. We lived in what is called a split level house. Our playroom was the level under the bedrooms, the living room was a few steps up (in-between the other floors). The playroom opened into the backyard which made it nice for kids. We could get muddy and not worry about dragging dirt through the living room or kitchen.  During the summer, this room became a through fare outside and to the above ground pool. It also housed my mom’s baby grand piano.

On the given day, a contractor was visiting the house to receive final payment for some remodeling that had just been completed. I believe we were supposed to go out for dinner after the transaction. My mom sent me to go tell everyone to get out of the pool (I hope that there was a parent around). I went tearing down the stairs and into the playroom making a straight shot for the back door. There in the center of the room was a blanket – yep, mom always told us to pick up, but we never listened. I took a leap hoping to get over the obstacle not realizing that it held a secret underneath. Unbeknownst to me, the hose to the shop vac was hidden underneath. My foot hit is and that is the last thing I remember. I am told that my scream was so loud and piercing that the contractor left before receiving his payment. My face hit the corner of the piano bench just off the edge of my eye. A few stitches later and I had a scar for life.

I was the lucky one. That is the only visit to the hospital that I remember other than my tonsils. My brothers, however, found other more creative ways to see the inside of the emergency room. I can think of one day in particular. As I mentioned, we had an above ground pool. The pool even had a nice deck that had room to stretch out and chill. Of course Mom and Dad had rules for the pool. No diving and jump only from the deck. Much like the Brady Bunch, we never listened to our parents.

The edge of the pool had a flat top to it. As kids, you could shimmy around the rail and stand up on it. My oldest brother had a habit of doing just this in order to jump from the edge of the pool. Mom always said don’t jump from the side of the pool. My brother stood on the edge as he was told not to. I am not sure why or how, but instead of going forward he went backwards. Unlike today pools back then did not cover up all the nuts and bolts. Down the outside of the pool was a row of nuts and bolts. My brother’s leg and the bolt found each other. The bolt traveled up his leg ripping it open.

Now the advantage to having the mom we do is the fact that she was a nurse prior to having children. She took my brother inside and patched him up. Since my dad was working, she got the blood stopped and sent him on his way. Being that it was the 70s, outside he went. The only problem was that having a bum leg there wasn’t much to do. So….. when bored, you hit golf balls. My brother and his friend decided to hit balls over Meadow Drive into our neighbor’s yard. They used my other brother and his friend to retrieve the balls and toss them back. It seems like a good way to pass the time. The rules were simple, hit the ball, wait for it to stop, and toss it back. To this day, both brothers swear that the ball in question was dead in the grass. Somehow when my retrieving brother went to retrieve the ball, it jumped, seriously the dead ball jumped on its own, right up into my brother’s face. Blood started spurting everywhere. Since it was a head wound, my mom asked our neighbor to take her to the hospital. She then decided that if she was taking one, she must as well take the other.

The story that came back from the hospital was that our neighbor drove her to the entrance of the ER and dropped all of them off and went to find parking. A nice young police officer held the door as my mom got the two patients inside. Once everybody was checked in, the officer actually approached my mom to start talking to her about abuse. I have been told that the nurse interceded and explained that it wasn’t my parents just the way my brothers were.

The above only is about two different days. I could fill so many more pages with what my brothers did as they were growing up. So yes, the days of our childhood were filled with being outside all day. They were filled with daredevil stunts that would make parents of today cringe (funny since those kids are the parents). We drank from a hose, and dared each other to do stupid things. And….we left the house in the morning and did not return until dark unless we were hungry, thirsty, needed a bathroom (and not always) or needed stitches. So we were lucky that we were survived. Our parents were lucky that they were not arrested.

So go ahead. Kick your kids out and make them play all day. Just make sure that you have good health insurance and an alibi.

Thank you for meandering with me through the old road of childhood.

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Drivers Start Your Lessons

12936593_10153542148720509_6553285244619738544_nOne, two, three….go! That was the call we heard time and time again this morning. Our daughter and the rest of the local Brownies (Girl Scouts – not food) attended the Powder Puff Derby. For two plus hours, the girls hung in a school cafeteria watching cars go down the track. Names were called, squeals came out, cheers rang through the air, and fun was had. Just like all of the Pinewood Derby events I attended while a scout leader, this event had fun while teaching at the same time.

Call it Powder Puff, call it Pinewood Derby, it doesn’t matter much, they are pretty much the same thing – only the gender of the contestants changes. The outward goal for these events is for the scouts to have fun. It is exciting to see something you made compete against others. You watch as your car progresses through the different heats. And, if the adults stay out of the way, the young people walk away with some valuable lessons.
The first lesson that derbies can teach is the joy of completing a project. I love looking at the different designs that come in the door. The one problem is that some of those designs….well let’s just say that some of these students would put professional car designers to shame. Okay, lets face it, there are a number of cars that make you pause and wonder who actually built it. I am careful on this accusation because I have seen cars designed by the scouts and know that they did the work. The problem is that I believe the ratio of those types of scouts to the awesome cars seems to be off a bit… a lot. Now I do not expect to see an 8 year-old running a ripsaw, but the design should be theirs and, except for the cutting, the rest should be the work of the scout. This first step is important for the young people. They learn quickly either that hard work and perseverance can pay off or dad can do it for me. I actually love looking at the cars you know were done by the scouts. They may not be pretty, but wow do they show so much insight into the kids.11140164_10152776604235509_1949699640835773525_o

These events teach the young people to be responsible and aware of what is happening. I loved that they leaders had the scouts in an area next to the track. They called out the names for those in the on deck area. The girls had to take their cars and be prepared to race. Names were called out a few times and then the race happened. If a scout wasn’t there or the car presented, the race went on without them. Our own daughter was only saved by her friend because she had gone out to get a snack. Not only do they have that responsibility, but they must ensure that their car is run correctly. Our little one’s car didn’t not really show which was the front versus the back. She had to tell them. She had to be responsible. She forgot to do this in the second heat and, with the weights in the front, the car took third. For a young person, this can be the end of the world. We had to have a long talk about the fact that it was okay, and she would have other chances.

Most importantly, this day taught the scouts that not everybody wins. At the start of the race, one of the leaders stood in front of the girls with a big announcement. She started the day by asking if everyone was ready. She asked if they were there to have fun. She reminded them all that not everybody was going to win. As a matter of fact, there would be one winner. The girls were fine with this. There would be no trophy for all. The girls would have to accept that only the winners would get awards. The scouts didn’t care. They just wanted to have fun.

I will admit that there were tears. Saying that you are willing to acknowledge the fact that you may not win and realizing that you really aren’t the winner are two different things. Dads were crouched down in corners talking to daughters, cars in hand. You could see heads nodding accepting advise while the tears stated how hard it was. But they learned. Few walked out with trophies, but all walked out with smiles.

Finally, the scouts learn to support each other. Cheers came out at each race regardless of the winner. Hugs and high fives happened throughout the day. The best part was after dads had to have those hard discussions. You could always see a scout only steps away – waiting. They were ready to rush in and give a hug of understanding. These young ladies knew that more than winning, they need to help each other out. Competitors for a while, friends forever.

I have watched the derbies happen since the 90s. The leaders today put on as fine of an event as any I have ever witnessed. They remembered the purpose of these days. I can still remember the large events that we would hold at the one base in England. The only difference between then and now was the size. Then we would have 10 or more tracks running with scouts running everywhere. However, no matter if the derby was in England or Burbank, Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, they are fun to watch and a joy to see what the kids can do and who they are.

1396834_10152016768190509_2045132892_oSo somewhere tonight there is a family celebrating a win. Either the fastest car, best looking, or best theme. In many more places there are young scouts just happy that they participated – no ribbon, just memories.

Thanks for racing with me as I meandered tonight.

 

 

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A Letter to My Daughter

To my dearest daughter,

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Today I have discovered something about myself. I am going to be a mess when you grow older and move away. I don’t even want to think about your wedding day. For even just thinking about it, brings about a mix of emotions. I can tell that come the actual day, I will be unable to hold back the tears.

How is it that I know this? While today, a program called Facebook – something that may not be around by the time you get married – showed me that I had memories from postings of years past. One of those memories involved a video of you on Easter morning four years ago. You came out of your room to find that the bunny had left you chocolate and toys. While you took a moment to stop and look at what was in the basket, an open bag of jelly beans, something we both really like, sat on the dining room table. You immediately ran to them and held them up. The grand prize. Unfortunately, we forgot to close the bag and out they poured.

The video took me back. I then continued to allow the videos to randomly play. I watched as time jumped to your first year to this year and then everything in between. Each memory instantly coming back into my mind to the point that I didn’t need to even watch, I was transported back to those days. I especially loved the video with you and the puppet. Your laugh was beautiful.

One of the videos had you walking from the hall into the living room. I had to pause the film as I realized that you did the exact same motion last night. You walked into the living room wearing a veil on your head. The veil is for your upcoming First Communion. While I watched you walk, you stepped the same way a bride would do walking down the aisle. That memory came flooding back into my head as I sat here watching the past videos. I started thinking about how I would be on that day. Would I find myself sitting in a room watching all of these home movies taking me from birth to that day? Will I be able to handle it?

I sat and wondered what type of woman will you become. Would you be happy? Will you be on a path in life that you want to be on? I don’t know the answers to these questions. I can only wonder, and I can make you some promises before we get there. I only hope that by the time you read this as an adult, I have lived up to these vows.

I promise that I will always be your dad. I will be there, next to you, as you grow and mature. However you should know that being a dad means that I am not your best friend. I will listen to you, I will support you, and I will love you. I will also make you work, I will set it up so that you learn right from wrong, and I will give you consequences when you do wrong.

I will support you in whatever your heart desires. Even today there are too many people who think that girls cannot be equal to men. Some in society feel that women should only work in certain jobs or stay at home. This is not true. You CAN do anything that you want to do. If you choose to shoot for the moon, I will help you all the way to the launch pad. If you really want to open that bakery of which you speak so often, I will carry all the supplies. If you choose to be at home with children, I will be right there as well. I will not break down barriers, I will not fight your battles, but I will stand by your side fighting along with you. I will wipe your tears and hold you up when the fight feels to drag on too long. I will be your wingman.

I will protect you when I can. A father bear can be just as mean and nasty as a mother bear. As you grow, I will protect you to the death. I will do my best. But, my little one, you need to know that I will not be able to protect you from everything for there are many times when I will not be able to be there. So I will teach you to protect yourself. I will work hard to make sure that you will be able to stop others from hurting you both mentally and physically.

I will love you. As with most parents, I will always see you as my little, baby girl. My love for you 12346341_10153284126285509_5029947947034354991_nwill only be second to what I have for your mother. I want you to know this because as you grow, you will have relationships – how many I know not, but you will have them. I hope and pray that you will learn by the love I give to your mother that you should expect nothing less for yourself. If and when you start dating, I will pray that you find the person that will give you all of the love you deserve. I want you to know that you never have to accept anything less than pure love. Your mother and I were fortunate to find each other, but it took a lot of time. Do not rush into “love”. I know I started this letter talking about a wedding. That is just something I think about. That is a decision that will be yours to make.

Keep your laughter and imagination. The world is full of sad things and people. You have a beautiful laugh and an amazing imagination. I feel funny writing this bit since you so often tell me that I look sad. Know that on the inside, I am happier than words can ever express. Having you and your mother in my life has taken me too heights never known. Keep the joy and happiness that you have. Continue to dance whether music is playing or not. Always see the world and its beauty as you do today. You have a way of seeing the good in everyone – don’t lose that. People really do have good in them. Sometimes they just need help finding it.

Finally, please know that I will do everything within my power to still be with you for years to come. Unfortunately, we are all human and someday I will leave you. I hope to give you everything you need to live, be happy, and be strong. You already have that, I will just help you find it.

So to my beautiful daughter. When you read this, know that you have always been loved. Know that I am proud of you and who you have become. Know that from now until eternity, I am your dad.

Love,

 

Daddy

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Dance Little Girl – Dance.

20160405_182624Okay. Tonight we are taking a trip down daddy lane. Our daughter is the one who taught me a lesson today. I have been smiling about it all the way home and throughout the night. It caused me to ensure that I changed up a little bit at home, and it makes me look forward to what else she will teach me. For a person still in the single digits, it is wonderful to learn things from her. I loved being in the classroom and seeing what my students could teach me, and now my wife’s mini-me does the same.

As a second grade student, our daughter must do like every other student. She gets up early in the morning. She has her daily morning routine to get ready. When she drags her feet, she gets pushed to get moving. She then spends the day in a classroom. While they have recess, and lunch, she is stuck in a classroom unable to be free. For some children this is fine. Our daughter does a good job of going in learning and being a student, but she is a free spirit. Tonight I got to see her spirit fly.

Once a week she goes to her dance class. She is part of a class called Triple Threat. The girls study dancing, singing, and acting. They are preparing for the upcoming recital that will take place at the end of their year. Our little one loves being up there and performing. I can still remember the first year she performed. Her teacher had been caught off guard when the class went on stage. A certain little girl took it upon herself to get everyone in their spots and give the sign to start the music.

Now I am about to break Daddy code here. Our daughter loves to dance and dance a lot she does. However, she does not always stay on beat. She starts off hearing the beat in the music and then eventually her own drum takes over. I am supposed to say that she is the best dancer ever, but Ginger Roger’s legacy is safe. Just the same, I love watching her dance. She is truly happy and floating in a different world.

Tonight was different. Tonight was magical. Tonight I saw something different. Normally at her dance studio, they have a television going in the lobby that shows the different rooms. It switches between the active rooms. Normally, without fail, our daughter’s class shows up and just as she is about to do a move or position, the television changes to the other class. I get a chance to see her in action every once in a while. While it is nice to see her flit across the screen, the flat panel can only give you so much. Tonight, the door to her room was left open, and due to a crowded lobby, I stood in a corner opposite the door.

I pushed myself deeper into the corner so that if she glanced out the door, she would have to concentrate to find me. I didn’t think she would take the time to do such a thing especially since I am not the one that is normally at dance with her. By standing there, I saw both our little one as well as her reflection in the mirror. That is when I saw her freedom, her spirit, her joy, and her happiness.

I love the school that she attends. While the teacher works with the students to help them improve at their dance, they are not rigid about it. Yes, she corrects them, but it is not the way that you see in films depicting the stricter school. She does not stand in the center of the room with a staff pounding it on the floor, shouting “Again.” This teacher lets them go through the routine and then makes simple corrections. She does not make the class one that the students fear or hate to attend. She sees their love of dance and nurtures it. I am not sure about the rest of the girls, but I know that unless something changes internally for our daughter, this is just for pure fun and enjoyment.

By being able to see her reflection in the mirror, I could see her eyes. The lit up with excitement. When the music stopped, and the teacher stopped to work with one child or another, she danced. There was no music playing, but she heard something and she moved to it. It was beautiful. I saw her spin and pirouette. I saw the day run out of her. She let all of the mundane part of the day drain away. With each movement, she became lighter on her feet. Her smile grew to a point that it was three times larger than any smile before. She was uninhibited. The world and any problems that an eight year old might hold no longer matter.

Yes, I did see her struggle with a few of the moves required for the routine. I saw her be corrected on her spins. None of that mattered. She took her notes and tried again. Sometimes it improved, sometimes it didn’t. Her laughter never changed. She worried about nothing. She was in a safe place to let all go, and she did.

That was the lesson I walked away with. LET IT GO. All too often adults hold on to the stress and frustrations of the day. We leave work, but all of the issues of the day go home with us. Yesterday, late in the evening, I posted about how bad of a day I had. I could not let it go. Today, our daughter showed me how silly that was. She taught me to dance. Dance with or without the music. Don’t hold the day in, dance it away.

With that in mind, I crawled down on the floor with her tonight once we were home. We played, we laughed, we let it go. I am going to do that more often. I am going leave the problems of work at work. I will work hard to come home to my wife and child without the drudgery of work. It will not be perfect for often my wife and I need to get things out of our system. However, we can limit it. While we may not physically dance (maybe we will) we will spiritually dance. I will work to bring more happiness into my home.

So tonight, I am dancing down the road. Thank you for dancing along with me.

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What is Success?

I ffocus on success magnifying glassind it funny how it appears that things fall into your lap when you are concentrating on a subject. While I would like to believe in coincidences, I think it is that your brain is just more aware and capable of finding those things for which you need answers. Yes, I also do believe in divine intervention, but I also believe in God helping those who are aware. Anyways, in less than two sentences, I have totally digressed from my actual topic. What is success? How about that, I bet you never saw that coming from the opening. That is truly what I am meandering about tonight, what is success.

I am unable to pinpoint the time or reason that this came into my head, but it has been bothering me for a while now. At what point is somebody considered a success? Is the title bestowed on a person once they reach a certain level or wealth, job title, position within the community, or some other factor?

I guess it is because I am a father, and, as a dad, I think about our daughter. I worry about what lies ahead for her. She talks so often about what she will be when she grows up. Depending on the day (sometimes hour or minute), her decisions change. She moves from a chef, to a fashion model, to a baker, to a teacher, and a mom. All of these sound wonderful to me since my concerns are the she is happy with who she becomes. However, would any of these make her successful?

My questions come from the way our society looks at success by individuals versus the community as a whole. On numerous occasions I have spoken to different people to get their point of view on this subject. I find it funny because when I have had the chance to have one-on-one talks, I hear, often, the same thing. I will consider my child successful if he/she can support the family while also being happy. When they talk of success it is more about an internal feeling versus a title and money.

Here is the funny thing about those conversations. I remember speaking to one friend who echoed the above sentiments. We were quite a bit into the conversation. I, at the time, did not have a child, but this person had a couple of kids. He agreed that we put too much pressure on the kids to be something better than their parents. Children are pushed to be that CEO or better. Parents want to have the next Steve Jobs. He then said that we should let children be whoever they want to be. I can remember then asking if he would be okay with his son being a custodian somewhere or cook at McDonalds. He stated yes and paused. He smiled and then sheepishly said, “No way. My kid will make something of himself.” He fell into the trap and fell hard.

While we are not 100% a capitalist society, it does have a control over us. I am not saying that this is a completely bad thing. Capitalism is the thing that makes new inventions happen. It moves us along in so many different ways. It allows for two guys to start off in a garage and end up creating jobs for 1000s of people. However, it also dictates what we expect out of all of our younger generation. We look down upon those who do things that make them happy. We consider them lazy, without drive, and not worthy. We don’t want people to go after their dreams if their dreams don’t end with a million dollars and mansion. Is society right or wrong?

So how do we set our young people up for success? How do we get them to understand that being a CEO, an artist, a parent, a writer, a custodian, a… fill in the blank is successful if that is what they want to be? They learn from their parents, teachers, mentors, television, and society. Children see pictures of mansions, parties, and limos and the word success is connected to them. It almost seems as if we are afraid to tell them that being a normal person who works hard, has a small home, and a car is just as successful. It is rare that we call someone who takes a job that doesn’t demand much of them so that they have time to go after their dreams or spend more time with their families. Instead, we seem to have only one idea as to what success is. Why?

I will admit that while in the classroom I tried to teach the success is what you believe it is. However, when I felt a student was living up their potential, I worked to help him/her improve. At times, I did it by asking what they wanted to be when they were older and then relating how being strong in English was what was needed. What I should have been doing was finding out what their strengths were and what they wanted to be and then nurturing that while at the same time giving them enough in the English side of the house to be good at their chosen path. Not everyone needs to have an A in English.

So now I need to live what I preach. I truly believe that our daughter can be “successful” in whatever it is that she choices to do. How do I make sure that I help her move in her direction without forcing a belief that she needs to be rich with a big title? How do I make sure, if that is what she wants, that I don’t cause her to not try to reach goals for fear of going against my beliefs?

All I can do is be there to help her in whatever direction she takes. There is no career that she can do that I won’t be proud of her. She may actually choose a job that isn’t great, but in the end it will allow her to have time to pursue something that she is passionate about or spend more time with her family. I will try to remember the recent cartoon by Bill Watterson (creator of Calvin and Hobbes) http://imgur.com/gallery/nRI1l

I promise to be there no matter her choice.

Thank you for meandering with me tonight.

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Innocent Voices

Boy SoldiersYesterday, I took time to watch a foreign film titled, Innocent Voices. It is a film that looks at the lives of the children in a town of El Salvador during the 1980s. The movie takes us into the last village that stands between the two forces. We watch as a young boy, 11 soon to be 12, sees his life torn apart by war. He witnesses civilians being killed. He watches as the innocent voices, those of the children, are torn from their families to be conscripted into the army, or, worse silence for life. This is not a feel good movie.

Watching a film like this makes you take a hard look at your own life. The movie had ups and downs. The people found ways to bring laughter even into this horrible situation. They found joy. They watched as their friends were taken from school. Then they had music. It seemed to make it alright. Yet through each scene, I could not help but compare my childhood to theirs for I am only a few years older than they were at the time. Would I have been able to live through something like this and still survived?

I then thought how people complain about how our children are today. How well could American children do with this situation?

Now before people stop reading, I understand it is nearly impossible to compare since children lived it every single day. Many were born into it and knew nothing else. How can one expect to children who have never had to experience war to be compared to these children? Then it struck me, American children have and do.

I watched a scene where the children were fast asleep in bed. The machine guns started spraying bullets with no care as to where they hit. What they called a house was soon a shooting gallery. They threw the mattress against the wall and hid under the frame of the bed. I started thinking of the stories of I have read coming from some of the cities within our own country. I have too often woke to hear a story on the news about some child asleep in their bed when a bullet came through a wall or window. I questioned whether or not our children could survive. I was wrong. Our children are having to survive.

Tonight, I had the house to myself. My wife and daughter were both out. At first I thought that this would be such a nice, peaceful evening. It is not. I am sitting here thinking of the children of our city, state, country, and world. Sadness is not even a word that comes close to what I feel. The thing that makes it worse is that most people have no ability to do much about these things. The only thing that I have the ability to do is to help educate the young people of today to find a way to stop all of this here and around the world.

Somehow we need to stop the circle. But how?

Tonight I bring up a problem, yet I can offer nothing towards the solution that has not already been said. We must demand from our leaders more be done within our country to stop this. No young person is brought into this world with hate. No young person comes into this world with the ability to kill one another. Yet, that is what we teach them. They see their friends being dragged and forced into this life. The hate grows in them due to teachings of the adults.

How? How do we stop the lives of our young people from traveling this road? It is only through our children that we will find a peace, but somehow we must get the adults of the world to teach it first.

I get it. I am lucky that I grew up where I did and that I live where I live. Our daughter is fortunate as well. What will it take until all of our children are as fortunate? The movie ended by stating more than 300,000 children are recruited into armies even today in more than 40 countries. We need to rest of the countries to stop this. But how?

I am sorry that the road tonight was not a happy one. Shed a tear with me, and then let’s figure out how to fix this.

Thank you for meandering with me tonight.

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He is Not a Hero – He is My Brother

mitchIn the past few weeks, I have introduced you to two of my brothers. I feel as if I have done an injustice to my second oldest brother. So tonight, you get to meet a person who I look up to each and every day. However, it is very easy to overlook this gentle giant. He is caring, compassionate, kind, and full of joy and love. He is optimistic and looks for the good in each and every person that he meets. I have yet to meet a single person who thinks ill of him. So tonight, I will introduce him to the world.

My brother was born pre-mature. At his birth, my parents were told that he probably wouldn’t make it. He proved them wrong. Then it was suggested that my parents put him into an institution since he would never have a very good life, and he probably wouldn’t make it that far into life. My parents proved them wrong. They brought him home and attempted to treat him no differently than the rest of us. He is now 53 and leads a productive life. He continues to prove those who doubted him that the experts are not always correct.

While my brother cares for each person he ever gets the chance to talk with, I have heard people, who have never met him a retard, a dummy, an idiot, and so many other names. They called him this before ever getting a chance to know him. They call him this because of his looks and speech. They call him this because of their own ignorance. So, yes, my brother is mentally challenged. He has the mentality of an eight, possibly nine year old. But, more importantly, he is a person.

I would love to say that I treated my brother no differently than the others. I will not lie. When I was very young, it was not easy for me to understand why he was different and how to deal with him. I knew that every morning he had to take medicine. As a little kid, I thought that it kept him alive. I found out later that it was to help keep him from having seizures. When I found out about his issues, I then had a fear that when we did things, he would end up on the floor and I would not know what to do.

I do remember that he like to play cars and such. Sundays we would sit in the living room playing. Even though he was older than me, he didn’t care – he just wanted to be with people and to play. He didn’t care who played with him as long as somebody gave him some time. This worked out well in our first neighborhood since everybody played together. It didn’t always go smoothly. Sometime he didn’t understand the instructions. Other times, he had to sit out the game due to my parents worrying about him getting hurt. Skating and playing hockey was a definite no. I didn’t play either, but that is because I didn’t want to do. He wanted to. He would have given anything to be part of it.

It was that not being able to play that has always made me look back with sadness for my brother. While my brothers and I got to ride my bikes, he had to ride a large three wheeled bike. This was fine until the ramps came out. We marched in parades and played music. My brother had to walk along the side with my parents due to fear of the heat and his seizures. He wanted to be part of life.

Now I am happy to report that things changed as we got older. I hate myself to say that there were times in school when I turned corners when I saw him. I was a horrible brother because he would get excited to see me in the hall. He would often want to hug, and I allowed my fear of the cliques to make me turn away from my brother. But we did get better.

Once we moved to my Nana’s, my brother’s dream came true. In the basement, my dad installed a pool table. My brother became the pool shark of the neighborhood. He would play a game with any person who came into the house. I often that it was a good thing that a burglar never came in – my brother would have challenged him to a game. He spent hours in the basement playing. It was a nice place to hang-out since we had a stereo down there as well. The other thing that helped out a lot as he grew was that we found out he could, sort of, keep a secret. He never went home and blabbed about what we did. Now if somebody asked him direct questions, we were dead because he cannot lie. It helped that he could keep a secret because we started allowing him to do things that for years my parents wouldn’t let him do.

I can remember taking him across the street to our neighbors to use their swimming pool. We had to keep him in the shallow end, but we got him in and having fun. When we were younger, he was only allowed in if our parents were around and then just to stand. Marco Polo became second only to pool. I believe that his ability to stay quiet even prompted us to get him to take his bike over the ramps.

As we became older, we found that he was a lot of fun. He didn’t age mentally, so it soon was like having a bigger, little brother around all the time. Like big brothers, we introduced him to more and more.

After years of his watching us march, we finally convinced my mom to allow him to take the field and march with us. At first, not knowing if he could learn movements, we placed him the American guard. He took the place next to the flag with a rifle. He guarded with as much pride as a soldier in the same position. He even took up the cymbals and started in the drum line.

I think the best day was when I snuck him on a roller coaster. My heart was in my throat as we stood in line. The look on his face after the ride made all of that worry fade away. He had made it to the big rides after so many years of watching.

Now I want it known that my parents loved each of us the same. During the 60s and 70s, people were just learning how to deal with mentally challenged people. There were many unknowns and a lot of false information floating around. They did the best they could. I often wonder what it would have been like to grow up today with him.

I never knew how my brother felt about me. I had seen him show emotions. When our Nana passed away, it was everything he could do just to walk through the steps of the funeral. A big part of his world had been torn away from him. I cannot remember how he dealt with my dad’s passing. Even though I had witnessed his pain, I didn’t know how he dealt with those still here. That is until the day I was leaving for the Air Force. This may have been one of the hardest days of my life. I said good-bye to my mom and turned to just shake hands. He was crying so hard that I didn’t want to leave. I finally knew his feelings.

Today my brother still lives with my mom. He goes to work every single day, and he loves his job. He has a better work ethic than many adults that I know. It is a fight to keep him home when he is sick. He is a productive part of society and he does so with pride. He bowls every week on a league and competes like it is for an Olympic gold. He also performs with a local skating group – something he wasn’t allowed to do when he was younger.

I love going home to see my brother. I will admit that it is not always easy to have lengthy conversations, but if you find the right topic – bowling, Sabres, Buffalo Bills, and sports – he is in until the end.

The title of this post is that he is my brother, not a hero. I look up to my brother every day. He has beat the odds and continues to do so. He turns the other cheek time and time again – sometimes to the same person. He teaches me to look for the good in people. He teaches me that people are not evil. He teaches me to have fun. To some, he is a hero, but I still call him brother.

So at the end of the day, I would love to see people stop throwing around the word retard. I would like to see people who are challenged dealt with more respect. I would like to see these wonderful people put on a pedestal as to how mankind should treat each other. My brother and his friends would hug a person who just hit them. They would put their arm around the shoulder of a person who called them a name. They would forgive everyone.

I can only hope to someday be as good as my brother.

Thank you for meandering with me tonight.

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Lessons Taught by a Little Brother – Watch Your Fingers

Injured finger with bandageLast night, I wrote about my oldest brother and the times that he tormented me. Okay, I called them lessons but they were torments, and there were many more that happened. However, in a sense of being fair, I must admit that I paid back the torments to an even score or, possibly, more. In a house of four boys, there was always a bit rough housing going on at almost all times. I do find it interesting that the oldest and youngest got into some of the weirdest predicaments. Since I gave you three of his torments, I will reciprocate three of mine.

My brother always had a habit of using his index finger when making a point. Being a true sibling, the point was always being made directly in my face. The finger would be put no less than an inch from my face. As I have mentioned in the past, our family loved to camp. This incident took place on one of those trips.

I cannot remember what the topic of discussion. All I know is that big brother decided that it was one of those times that he was going to drive home his point. Now mind you, I have been told that when I was a little kid, I would eat almost anything. We were sitting around the fire. Something started between the two of us, I cannot say that it was an argument for my brother also just like to tease me a lot. I believe that is chapter 3 in the big brother handbook. So there we were enjoying the fire when the finger started. It waved in front of my face. He stopped. It waved again. Apparently on the third wave, my hunger pains kicked in. My teeth opened wide, my mouth moved forward, and my teeth chomped. They came down hard and didn’t let go. By the time I reopened my jaw, blood had been drawn.

The next thing I knew I had been sent to the tent. I cannot remember my brother being punished at all. Sure he starts it, but I got punished. What was fair about that?

The next story, funny enough, also deals with his fingers. By the time of this story, we lived in my Nana’s house. This is a beautiful, two story colonial. The living room is connected to the dining room by the front hall. The dining room then goes into the kitchen, and then another hall connects the living room. This made for a huge circle. Of course, we used this to do laps for all sorts of things. We really used it when we got into arguments and one started chasing the other to beat the crap out of him.

On the occasion in mind, my oldest brother was chasing and beating on me. Yep. Mom and Dad had gone out somewhere. The old brotherly love had kicked in, and one thing led to another and the chase was on. I did the laps trying to stay ahead of whatever doom lay ahead. During what would become the last lap, my brain kicked and tried to find a way out this. I caught the stairs out the corner of my eye. I knew that they were my path to freedom.

I flashed out of the kitchen into the living room. My arm reached forward and my fingers curled. My body moved into auto mode, I saw the corner separating the living room from the hall. My hand reached, my arm tightened. I ripped myself around and up three stairs. I took the remaining two at a time. My plan didn’t work quite as well as I had planned. Big bro was directly behind me.

I reached the top of the stairs and decided to duplicate my previous move. My brain plotted knowing that the master bedroom was a total 180 from my current direction. My toes hit the top step and my arm curled around. I felt the door frame and used it to catapult me around the corner and change directions. Once in the bedroom, the word trapped came to mind. I turned believing I could get out before he got in. I looked to the door frame and saw his fingers make the same move that my hand had done milliseconds before. I did the only thing I could do to save myself – I slammed the door shut.

The fight came to an end. Not that he wasn’t pissed at me, but because I, once again, had broken skin and caused blood.

The last story that I will share tonight, wellllllllll, it also deals with a finger and blood. I believe I was 13 or 14 at the time. My brother would have been 17 or 18. The time of year was Christmas. My mom worked at the local nursing home in Lewiston. She was the LPN of the wing. This particular Christmas, my mom decided to treat the aides to homemade cakes. I believe that 10 or more cakes stood on the counter for this scene. Yes, stood. My mom made cakes that looked like Christmas trees. The stood on their own, and she decorated each branch, candle, and ornament. They were beautiful. Mom and Dad were going to deliver them after dinner.

My brother peeled potatoes for dinner and threw them into the pot to boil. I love raw potatoes. Put a little salt on them and crunch away. Once the kitchen was clear, I grabbed the knife from the sink (one my dad kept very sharp) and sunk it deep into a beautiful specimen just begging to be eaten. I held it, still on the knife, in front of me – admiring it. Then it happened. I felt a hand slap onto my wrist. A voice from the side stated, “If you want a potato, peel your own damn potato.” I yanked down knowing that there was no better way to get someone to release your wrist. My entire hand went straight down.

The next thing I know, big bro is screaming – I would say like a girl, but he reads this – and holding his thumb. It didn’t help. Out of his thumb came a stream of red liquid. Fortunately my dad was an EMT and had taught all of us first aid. The first rule of thumb was to keep calm. Yep – nope.

My brother’s hand started flying from side to side. The blood started flying around the kitchen. While the colors of Christmas might be green and red, this red did not look as nice on the green cakes. I could hear my father start down the stairs. I had to get out of there, out the door I flew. Oh yeah, I forgot the second rule – render assistance.

When I got outside, my brain looked for a hiding spot. Since it was Christmas, it was cold outside. I looked and saw that the van was unlocked. I jumped in the back behind the couch. I ducked down waiting for the coast to clear. I did not think that my brother would need to go to the hospital. I was now trapped for the long trip. The rest of the night is a blur. I am sure that there was a punishment in there somewhere, but I have wiped it from my memory.

So there. I have evened the scored and showed that I could turn the tables on my brother. If I can leave you with nothing else, it is this – keep your hands and fingers far from your siblings.

I hope you had a nice walk with me tonight. Thank you for meandering with me.

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Lessons Thanks to a Big Brother

bobI promised that I was going to go a little lighter tonight. I love looking back through my memories and reminiscing about the different lessons I learned. Tonight I am looking at the lessons I learned by being the youngest of four boys. My brothers would probably state that, as the youngest, I was spoiled. They swear to this day that I got everything that I wanted and they always had to suffer having to struggle and beg for everything. I, on the other hand, would state that I was the punching bag of the family. Well, that is until I finally allowed my fuse to burn. Then everyone booked it as far from me as possible. So anyways, here are a couple of lessons learned.

The first lesson was while attacking a brother always look in the direction of the head. I do not remember what started the argument that erupted into so much more. However, we were attacking my biggest brother – hey, he was the biggest. I do remember at some point, to be a butthead, he took my box of money and would not return it. Now there are two things you never get take from a little kid – money and food.

We chased my brother around the house. (I am now sitting here wondering where my parents where. Funny, I think that every time they left the house something happened.)Anyways, we finally got my brother down on the ground, and we attacked. Of course, being the smallest, the best place for my attack was to jump on his back. It is funny, but little guys know to jump up and down to get the best results. Unfortunately for me, I was not facing the head. I should have been for I could have grabbed his head and smacked him. Instead, I was facing the feet.

I don’t recall exactly how long it took before it happened, but happen it did. I was bouncing on my brother, yelling to give back my box, and …….WHAM! His foot came up as he bent his knee and the heel made contact with my teeth. Out popped a front tooth. The good thing was that the fight ended, and we started plotting the story to keep us all out of trouble.

The next lesson comes from the same brother. I was so young when it happened that I do not remember it. I know the story so well because it has been told at almost every family get together. The first house that I remember living in was in the middle of this project. All together there may have been 29 homes. It was a great place to live because, like so many Facebook posts, the kids came out in the morning and only returned home to eat and use the bathroom (well to eat). Everyone knew everyone. It was the perfect place to live. That is unless your oldest brother had gotten in trouble and decided to run away.

The other nice thing about where we lived was that our Nana lived only 1-1/2 miles away. Never mind that it did involve a very busy road, kids don’t think about that. I am not sure what occurred between my brother and parent(s). All I know is that he decided that he could no longer live there, and he was moving to Nana’s. The cool thing about my brother is that he decided he would not leave a single soldier behind.

My dad worked the midnight shift. My brother decided that the best time to run away was at dawn before he returned home. He packed up belongings and put things in a red wagon. He got all of our bikes out and made sure that everything was good to go. I was on a tricycle. My brother was getting out of dodge with his posse.

From what I understand, we had started to make a break for it when my second oldest brother decided he could not go without his bowling pins. My oldest brother agreed and went back for the pins. Unfortunately, this delay caused us to be in the driveway when my father pulled in from work. Since I was so young, I do not remember if anyone was punished and if so what the punishment would have been. I do know this, if it hadn’t been for bowling pins, we may have been going down the busy road before Dad came home. I have no idea if we would have made the trip in one piece.

The last lesson also comes from the eldest of the family. Wow. He was a pretty good teacher. He was three years ahead of me in school. I cannot remember what grade he was in at the time, but it must have been high school since he was taking a trip to Florida with the band.

Being a procrastinator with his studies, he reached the point of his trip with a book report looming over his head. The report was due upon his return. He was to read The Jungle and write a report on the book. Not wanting to give up time with his friends while in the sunshine state, we made a deal. I would read the book and write the report, but he had to take me to see a movie when I was done. I believe the movie was Star Trek, so that makes it 1979 and I was in 7th or 8th grade. The first part of the lesson was to make sure you bargain well. While a fan of Star Trek, I should have held out for more.

I remember that people were surprised that such a young person was reading that book. It turned out to be and still is my favorite book. I was taken into a world that I would never see or lived, but Upton Sinclair made me understand. I loved the book and had no problem writing the report. When my brother returned, his work was complete. I believe he earned a B on it. What I didn’t know was that my brother shared the report with his friend. His friend received a C. However, I learned that specifics must be placed in each contract as to how your work would be used.

The final lesson I received from that project was to keep a paper trail. As it turned out, when I reached high school, I ended up with the same teacher who gave out the same book. I still had that report. I kept all work just like I keep every e-mail today. I rewrote the paper so that it was now in my current handwriting, and turned in my work. The best part of it was when I informed my brother that I had received an A on the report.  I believe that the teacher in questioned retired the next year. I loved having her.

The funny thing is that while I shared a lot of stories with my students, this was not one of them.

So these are just a few stories that my oldest brother taught me. All of my brothers taught me lessons, and I will share them with you at different times. I hope that if nothing else, they brought you a smile.

Thank you for meandering with me tonight.

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Self-pity toss it out

ApathyHave you ever had those days when you would like to just smack yourself as hard as possible and tell yourself to cut the sh*t and snap out of it? I have been in one of those funks over the last couple of days. I have, and maybe this is an introverted thing, sunk deep into myself and have been struggling to come back out. Now as I am starting to come back to the real world, I find that I am somewhat disgusted with myself for allowing things to go as far as they have. Some of the causes were outside of my control, but when all is said and done – all of it the emotional part is controlled by me. I gave myself permission to dive and I dove.

For those who do not know me personally, I work in education. I used to be in a classroom, but now I work in the district office with the title of Instructional Coordinator. This week we started SBAC. For those not familiar with this world of education, the SBAC is the big state test only now it is taken by a number of states. If you are as old as me think of the old Iowa tests that took days to complete and all classes stopped. This is that but on computers.

Part of my job is to coordinate this testing throughout our district. This is year four, and so far we have a great track record for being able to pull this off. While many of the teachers and administrators will tell you how they would rather have class time and not worry about this test, the entire staff ends up pulling together and getting it done. This year has been no exception. Regardless of peoples’ feelings, they worked with the students, prepared, scheduled, and now we are in the midst of it. So far (tapping the side of my head), it is going well.

Life in general is great for me. I have not hidden the fact that I have a beautiful wife and a loving relationship. We have a great daughter who will give us trouble at times, but nothing close to what my brothers and I used to pull (who am I kidding – still do). I love my volunteer time with the kids in confirmation and lecturing. Finally, I have my writing which I love only second to my family. As a matter of fact, since I have started a blog, my eczema has gone away. So why the funk?

I will be quite honest – I do not know. I could blame it on some issues at work. I could say the cause is a lack of sleep with the new workout program. I could say…..insert issue here, but none of them would be the answer. All I know is that over the last couple of days, I decided to have a solo pity party. Nobody else was invited. It was a Mary Tyler Moore party where only the host shows up.

Okay. So why am I writing about it?

I have to say I am writing about it because like most things, I write what I am thinking. Right now, I am totally ticked off with myself for allowing me to go there. I am embarrassed that I could think that anything going on with me should stop me worrying about others – should make me think my problems were bigger than they should have been.

I took a look at the news over the last few days. I know that people have written about how people like me have first world problems. I don’t think that that makes them any less important for the people dealing with them. However, I started really thinking about what is going on globally. I found that I had to open the little box I had placed myself in and look around. Then I put on my best Marine Corps Drill Sergeant and had a little talk with myself.

Over the last week I have been able to count at least 4 attacks. People lost loved ones, people were seriously injured, and people lost their lives. Yet here I am worrying about how some people react to me or treat me.

I look on Facebook and see posts from those have friended me, and I see real pain and hurt. I see people who are brave enough to put their sufferings out there in hopes that they can get support, prayers, and help others. I see people doing good things for others. I see so much more going on than what is happening in my life.

I took some time today to question what the hell was I so bummed out about? I could not come up with a mediocre answer, let alone a good one.

So today, I told myself to knock it off. I started looking at the good things that are going on. Not only in my life but the world. I watched the people of Brussels as they start to rebuild. I watch the families of those attacked in other places and pray for them. I told myself to stop thinking that you are as important as you think you are.

If in the past few days, you have had to deal with me, and I have not been myself – my apologies. I will try to do better. I am going to continue to work on improving myself each day and save the pity party for when I have something to feel sorry about.

I apologize that tonight was not light and funny. I will work on something better for tomorrow.

Thank you for meandering with me today.

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