This weekend was amazing. I retreated. I retreated from the world. I retreated from technology (well almost). I retreated from the problems of life. I retreated from myself.
I am not sure if it is due to my having been in the military or quite possibly watching too many cartoons as a child, but when I hear the word retreat I think of running away. I can picture this cartoon of a soldier on a horse blowing charge and riding from left to right across the screen. A few seconds pass and the soldier’s horse goes faster back across the screen right to left blowing retreat. For me the word retreat meant running from everything, and I do mean everything. I picture militaries running from foes that outnumber and out power them. I picture, what Hollywood depicts, cowards. People who cannot handle life.
This past weekend, I chaperoned a retreat of 59 teenagers – TEENAGERS. While this retreat was religious in nature, the more I read, the more I find that there are retreats of many sorts. You do not have to be looking for God, you just need to refocus on life. All of this may have been what turned me off every time I heard the word retreat. I admit I looked down on the need to escape life. I thought that it was not something I needed.
I have been instructing in our confirmation program for a little over a year. I was asked to chaperone the retreat last year. I had a dozen excuses and back out. This year, after knowing the students a little better, I accepted the offer. The students needed this and I would sit in the back to make sure they were paying attention. I would offer my time to make sure they got something out of this.
The week prior to the event, I thought twice. I mentioned to my wife my hesitations. I started thinking of excuses. She told me to go. I trust my wife. I listen to my wife. I did not back out. I thought about work I could do while the kids were retreating from life.
I went knowing I would be assigned a group with which to work. I thought, well while the presenters were talking I could be planning. I could then handle small group discussions. I even debated leaving at night to sleep in our cabin where it would be nice and quiet. I could watch TV and work. I would be able to get so much done.
We arrived at the center. For our situation, we had two sisters running the show. I can’t call them nuns since they were anything but what you would think of with that word. I was pleasantly surprised that I and the other two older chaperones had individual rooms. Okay. I could stay. We unloaded and were prepping for the first talk on leaving behind our troubles. I thought of bringing my computer down with me. I decided to set the example and not bring it down just yet.
Our first session started. The talk was personal and made the students think about their lives and where they stood. Chaperones stayed toward the back to allow the kids to forget we were there. Without my electronics, I had nothing to do but listen and follow along. I started looking inward. Darn those sisters and their ways. Who were they to get me to start judging myself – not in a negative way – but looking just the same?
After the first talk, we broke into our small group. I realized as I looked at each face, that I had only worked with a couple of these students in the past. Well so much for us getting somewhere. We took a few minutes to settle. We had a specific task ahead of us – something we had to share. I fought internally on how to get these young men and women to open up. Wait – I had called them students, I called them kids, now all of a sudden they were young men and women. I looked at the other groups – I listened. I could hear some happiness and jokes. Okay. I turned to my group. I asked the question. I was disappointed because I had left out the jovial tone. The first student answered – it was heavy. The next one went even deeper and the emotions started. The third person spoke and talked about things that showed trust. Trust not only in his peers, but me. The tone stayed the same all the way around the group. Then I heard it. Me, myself, and I answered. I found my words sharing things that only my wife would know outside of this group. True beliefs and emotions. What the heck??????
Our group worked together from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. These young people shared their hopes, dreams, expectations of life and adults, and their pain. Wow. So much pain came out of these young people. It was not woe is me. It was not feel sorry for me. It was I need to let this go so my life will get better. I saw growth. I saw friendships grow. I saw young people maturing. I saw change. I changed.
We put away the electronics. We did not have television or radios. The cell phones came out for the adults just to watch the weather. A storm was being released both metaphorically and literally. I had the chance to look inward. I had the chance to exam where I am professionally. I had the chance to see where I am as a person. I was able to examine the way I treat people. I looked at my part of a marriage. I look at me.
The weekend ended, I was torn. I wanted to work with these young people even more. I missed my wife. I missed our child. I wanted to go home. I wanted to stay. I needed to go back to the world. I wanted to bring my family and leave the world. I was at peace, I was terrified.
After an 8 hour ride home, I felt like my new found peace was being tested – then I went to work today. It seems that when you really feel as if you have a handle on life it will test you. Today did just that. I was frustrated by the time I came home. After dinner, I tried to recenter myself. It started working. Then I realized the best way to bring it back was to write about it. This has helped.
I do not care if you are religious or not. I am not a believer in retreats. I highly recommend every one find one and do it. There are all sorts of retreats that remove the world. It can be a few hours. It can be a day, a weekend, or a week. Leaving the world behind for just a little time makes facing that world a little easier.
I must thank my wife as I end this. Even on the day of departure, I texted about staying back. It was only due to her encouragement and telling me to be there for the young adults that I went. I think she knew that they would be helping me more than I helped them – or at least 50-50.
Take the time to help yourself.
Thank you for meandering with me.