Visions of After

Sometimes the brain takes you on a journey that makes no sense. Often, when I go on these weird thought patterns, it is the result of a stressful day. Perhaps the frustration level was high, tasks needed to be done, there were a lot of interruptions, or some other series of events that would make my internal-self move off into other realms. Today was not like that. The time from morning till night went quite nicely. While there were many things on the to do list, the day did not stand out as anything out of the norm. Yet, on the way home my thoughts went to places that I cannot explain. I am curious whether these are normal inclinations or am I just weird (okay – to my “friends” I know I just opened a door with that one).

I love where we live. We are up in the mountains. While the area is a wonderful place to be, imagine Mayberry being placed in Los Angeles. It is not this that makes it a place to go after work. I am not sure how, but somehow the stress of work cannot make it up the hill. As soon as I turn the corner with the incline ahead of me, I can feel the pressures melt away. Tonight, the same happened, but once my head was clear of work it happened. What will happen when I am gone?

Yes. I started thinking of my own death. I can guess that the fact that I am 50 may have something to do with it, but that is a weak excuse. I am not ill. I have no health issues. I am fine. Yet there it was bouncing around in my head. The fact is I did not just think about death; I looked at it from every angle. I went all the way from the actual event to how life continued without me. The more I tried to stop it; the more it happened.

From what I can remember it was a peaceful end. I watched as people I know dealt with it. I saw what I always knew – my wife is strong. I felt the pain for both my wife and child as they had to deal with loss. I saw that they moved forward together. I watched the world move on. Internally I felt sad and also peace. This was a weird trip home.

I could not help but think about the trip as I sat and had dinner. What the heck was going on? I thought, did I have something for lunch that was giving me these thoughts (I don’t know, they always ask what you had for dinner when you have strange dreams). Was I receiving a message about life that I was supposed to figure out? Do I worry about my family history subconsciously?

An explanation started to take shape in my head. Actually many reasons came across to me. Part of me thinks that I was being reminded of the fact that nobody is that important to think that the world ends with them. My visions showed me how everybody continued. Yes, there were sad points, but in the end life went on. I believe that sometimes we get so wrapped up in what is happening in our world that we start to believe that everything does revolve around us. My little internal movie showed me that I am just a little piece, a very little piece, of the world. I help to make everything else move. When I am gone, someone else will take my spot. There is no person that is the center of the world.

I also took time to see if anything I have done in my life made a mark. Like so many others, I would like to think that I will do something that will be remembered long after I am gone. I write. Inside, I would like to think that somewhere is that novel that will make a difference for others. I imagine that I can leave a story that will be read by others for years and help people understand life or one part of it more. I hope that I will help others see something within themselves so that they strive to make a difference. I could not see anything that proves that that will happen. What I did see is that our daughter turned into a compassionate young lady that helps others in many ways. My mark, my way of improving this world, is her.

Finally, and this struck me most of all, I saw the love shared by my wife and I. I saw the goodness in the world. I saw that we are not as badly off as so many think. Even though we were separated, I could still feel the passion for the woman I love and her love was returned. The emotion was strong. The best part was that this was not isolated to just us. I saw how much people in the world wanted peace. I felt hope for the world.

I ended my evening with a smile. I thought my drive had delivered some sad news or a message of despair. Instead, I end with hope, faith, love, and courage. I think that all of the media coverage on the bad in the world started to take its toll. I was seeing, hearing, and feeling negativity. My brain took those negative emotions and flipped them. I go to sleep tonight knowing that there is many good things ahead. I am not worried about the end. I look forward to the world ahead and the future.

Thank you for meandering with me today.