Calling All Introverts

While I always hope that anybody who reads my meanderings would get something from it – even if it is just a smile, this one is aimed directly at my niece and others like her – myself included. Of late my postings have dealt with looking inward and leaving the comfort zone. My niece challenged me last night. She read about making choices that helped you leave the norm and try new things. However, she wrote and said that while she like the piece, she had hoped it would help her in being able to make choices on going to social functions. I had let her down.

My niece, like me, is an introvert. She hates going to parties and dealing with people. I know how she feels, and I must tell you hate is a nice word in this case. As a matter of fact, I have been known to actually utter the phrase, “I hate people.” I may have said this one or twice. I know a number of other introverts who feel the same way. We really don’t hate people. Introverts just have a hard time dealing with large numbers at one time.

If you belong to Facebook, most likely you have seen a number of posts describing what makes an introvert and how people need to understand them. I love these posts because they are, for the most part, dead on with the description. People who are introverts have to expend a lot of energy in order to be surrounded by a large number of people. We do not deal well with small talk. We cringe when somebody comes up to us and starts to talk about how they have a party coming up and would love to have us in attendance. We start dreaming about being in a cave somewhere high up on a mountain.

What makes it even more difficult is that unless somebody really knows me, he/she may have a hard time believing that I am an introvert. I teach, I mentor, I act, I hold conversations without any problems. I can welcoming to new people. These are not traits of a person who has problems dealing with people – unless you have learned how to hide the truth. If I mention the fact that I am an introvert, people bring all of the above up and ask how I can do it. If they ever saw me at a party, including at my own house, they would find me in the kitchen cooking or cleaning. This allows for me to interact with one or two people. The nice thing about kitchens is that they are not that big and few people can fit in them. Even with this knowledge I have passed on more parties than I can think of, even from my best friends. I always heard about the parties after and thought it might have been cool to be there. I would then pass on the next invite.

The two abilities I have that cause the most questions are the acting and teaching. It is easy to do these as an introvert. Acting means we are not ourselves. We get to be somebody else for two hours. An actor gets into the role of the character, and whenever I acted, I chose to be a character that didn’t have this issue. Teaching is something else that we can do because there is a focus to the talk. Teachers have lesson plans, they know what will be spoken about and lead the conversation. Even if students take a turn away from the main topic, a teacher can put it back on task. Where introverts suffer is when they have no idea where the conversation will go. Even in my niece’s case where she waits tables, small talk is a minimum. Something she can get through.

But this post is not explaining how to deal with introverts, there are already enough articles out there. Go ahead, just google – Dealing with introverts. Today, I want to talk to the introverts and challenge them to go out and do. We live in an extrovert’s world. If we continue to hide in our cocoons then life has a chance to pass you by. I learned this by being a left-handed person in a right-handed world. There is no way that the world is going to change.

The articles that try to get others to understand us, talk about how we need to recharge every time we do a social function. They are correct. However, what I have found over the years is that it is worth the need to recharge batteries when we put ourselves out there. You will be amazed at some of the good things that can happen just because you took the step out the door. The world is more connected than ever so the chance for us to hide in a cave or a cabin in the middle of the woods with no interactions with others is no longer possible. Besides, people start worrying when they hear people speaking of wanting to live like this.

So why do it? Well first of all, most people need to network to get ahead in this world. All too often, I have seen and heard about people getting promoted because of their social capabilities. Introverts, though well skilled, can be passed over due to people not knowing about you. Networking might also provide you with that new best friend or mentor who will help you as you try to deal with all of those outgoing, bouncy, want to hug every person type people. More importantly, by not going to these events, you are missing out on so much. I mentioned that I acted. As I was starting to actually make some headway in this endeavor, I found myself being invited to the homes of producers, directors, and other actors. I went to very few of these – I could not bring myself to going. The few I did go to, I entered, I had a drink, I stood in the corner, I finished my drink, I left – I did not network. I knew actors who made important connections at these parties. I felt happy for them, I wondered what I could have done.

It could help with your most important relationship. My wife is an extrovert. She goes to parties and functions and has a great time. I go with her so she doesn’t go alone. I go because my wife is a wonderful person and would most likely not go to a number of functions if I would not go. So I go so she can have a good time. I go so she can be happy. Fortunately, she understands me enough that she is selective of the invites that she accepts. But my going outside of the box is done because I love this person and am willing to put myself into these situations for her.

The last reason is two-fold. The first is that it does get easier. Think of anything you had to do that was difficult. With few exceptions, the more you practiced or did, the easier it got. While you may never leave the realm of the introverts, you will find that your stomach does not go into your throat every time you knock on a door while hearing a party going on inside. You will still need to recharge after each event, but the walking in the door is not so hard. The second is that there are some really cool people at each of these chances to go out of the zone. When you stay at home with popcorn and the television, you are missing out. I am not saying that you need to work the entire room and speak to each attendee, but go talk to people. You also learn to control the conversation and avoid so much of the small talk. Ask the person about him/her. Let them do the talking until you find that one thing in common. Then the small talk disappears and a conversation can happen.

The challenge I am putting out there for my niece and other introverts is to take it one step at a time. I don’t mean that you should fill your social calendar immediately. Pick one function, smaller is better. Go to it, and here is the tough part (I still struggle with this each and every time) get off the wall or out of the corner. Learn more about yourself by facing this fear. Learn about others. Meet some special people. This is a right-handed, extroverted world. You will have your time to hide away at home, but go out there and join them for a bit here and a bit there. You will turn out to be the better person. Others will get to see the incredible person that you are.

Thank you for meandering with me.