Self-Realization

Are human beings destined to set themselves up for failure? I know that is a statement with way to much generalization going on. However, in looking at some events in my own life as well in the lives of some people I know, I wonder if there is something going on in the brains of certain people that allows them to go after things and then find ways to sabotage those possible successes.

I have read a ton of books on how to win! I guess in a way Charlie Sheen should be my mentor since he always talks about winning. One of the first books I read on the subject is titled Success is Never Ending, Failure is Never Final. Like every book that followed, it comes down to the point that if you want to succeed then YOU must decide that it is going to be, believe in it, and work towards it. While none of the material ever promised that getting what you want comes just from wishing, they do make it seem a lot easier than it is. Furthermore, none of them really talk about how to keep out of your own way.

I look back at my own life and can see so many times in which I had the path to success laid out before me only for me to either go off the path or put blockades up so high that the only option was to quit. Fortunately this is not something I do for every endeavor, but I have sabotaged myself more times than I care to admit.

The big question is does this happen to every person or am I an oddball (I know there I go opening myself up to jokes, but oh well). I see on the news and in my personal life people who seem to never get in their own way. I have friends who appear to succeed at every single thing they try. They work hard; I know that. It is just that they seem to stay out of their own way.

I go back to my days in college – round 1. I procrastinated with the whole application process until it was, I thought, too late. It was only due to a friend’s mom that I was not only able to find a person to assist with all of the financial aid paperwork, but she also convinced me which college to apply. I spent my first year at Hobart getting in my own way. I did the required work to a minimal standard to start. Then I started missing classes as I walked the lake. Finally, I missed enough classes and work that it was suggested I look elsewhere. The same happened at the local university near home. I finally moved on to the armed services.

I cannot say that I failed in the military. It actually stopped me from doing that. Since skipping classes could result in an article 15, I did not even dare. I did the work required but only the work required. Even once I was out in the field, I looked for ways to get by. I loved my time in the military but hated myself for not being better at my job. I even attempted to jump over to the Armed Forces Radio to move from the job. Unfortunately while I passed the audition, my career field was considered critical and the change could not happen.

I even see this today. I wrote about wanting to lose weight. I hated the point at which I saw the numbers 235 on the scale. I received so much support in trying to lose weight. I did the blog because everything I read states you need to tell the world in order to hold yourself responsible. It seemed that everything was in place in order to make this time work. I even started a challenge for a week. All looked well. I dropped five pounds. Then this week happened.

Now in the last four days I can blame stress at work. We are prepping for testing season. There is a lot to do. I am trying to enhance what our department does. My family is moving my mom from one apartment to another. I am trying to do what I can from 3000 miles away. Our daughter woke me in the middle of the night one night with a nightmare. Crap happens.

Meanwhile I started hitting some candy dishes and today two doughnuts. Last night, my wife, who while I may not show it I love to death for calling me out, caught me snacking quite a bit. This morning I found two pounds are back on.

I know that you are not supposed to weigh yourself every day, but I could feel it even before I stepped on that white piece of shame.

On a plus note, I did not write that I am stress eating. Those are words I use to explain away my not staying on track. Hopefully, the big change of today versus the past is that now I see it. I get what I am doing, I just cannot explain why I am doing it. What is it that keeps me from wanting to actually reach my goals? I talk to our daughter about how she can do anything as long as she works at it and really wants it, yet I cannot prove my words mean anything. At this point, she doesn’t notice this. Soon she will.

So what is it about so many people that they stop themselves from succeeding, from winning? Maybe Sheen is my mentor? Why does such a smaller number of people aim for and hit their targets while so many others aim and miss or don’t even shoot?

So, I see me. I am hiding down the path waiting to push myself off the path. I see me making a false map leading me astray. I see me ready to put a boulder in the path so high that I quit. The nice thing is that I start fresh again tomorrow. The difference is that I see me. I know I am there and need to get by me. The great thing is that I still have and will always have my loving wife to call me on things. She holds me to a higher standard, and, here is a difference, I want to show her she is not wrong. With these two things, I have a chance.

Let’s see where we are in a week.

Thank you for meandering with me.