How many of us can say that we really like the person with whom we have to spend the most time with? Right now, I hope, you are saying Yes to this answer, but at the same time, you are guessing the person to whom I am referring. I can assume that people are thinking spouses, boyfriend/girlfriends, best friend, a family member, or any combination of the above. However, I would have to sadly say, thank you for playing but you are wrong. The thing is you cannot have a solid relationship with any of the above people without having a strong relationship with this one person. Now people are thinking God. Well, yes, for those who are of the faith that is an answer, but not tonight’s. The person I am talking about is you.
My mom and niece are visiting with us for two days. This morning, my wife and I dragged her out of the house and up a mountain trail. I cannot explain how much I love the ability to do this. During her young years, I lived in Europe while serving in the Air Force. Since her sixth year, I have lived in California. I loved being able to visit while on leave or when I could afford to fly home for the holidays. However, I missed out being there while she grew. Now that she is an adult and with cell phones and Facebook, we are able to have a great relationship. This includes her Aunt and me talking to her about her future and where her life is going.
One of the things we discussed with her was the fact that she better be able to like herself before entering into a relationship. On top of that, whomever she chooses to be her partner better like himself just as much. If this isn’t the case, then the chance of success for the relationship is slim.
The more I thought while we walked and talked the more I thought about how lucky my wife and I are as well as a large number of our friends, but I also thought about the friends I know who do not have this. I then thought about how I wish I could have talked about this with my former students. As seventh graders, they were just starting to enter into the whole “dating scene” while figuring out who they were.
I know that this would confuse my students at first; it confuses so many adults as well. As a society, we tell young people that they should be more concerned about other people. They are supposed to help others and not worry so much about themselves, and yet here I am saying, you have to like yourself first. It seems so contradictory.
As we were talking were talking with our niece, we tried to explain that relationships cannot be finding somebody to complete you or for you to depend on. If you cannot be alone for any length of time and you need somebody else in order to be happy, then you are not going to bring a lot to the relationship. Both my wife and I used examples of how we were okay doing things on our own prior to dating. We both could go to movies alone, out to dinner, and, for my wife, attend sporting events. We can still do all of this things by ourselves and be happy. We actually look forward to days when the other has to be out running errands along with our daughter leaving the other home. The down time is wonderful. We don’t worry about what the other is doing; we know they will come home.
I used examples of past situations that I had found myself in. The other person, someone from the UK, looked happy on the outside. She had people thinking that she was fine. She admitted, unfortunately, that she was only happy when she was with me, or whomever she was dating, and that she hated being alone. This started so many problems that the relationship could not go anywhere.
I found myself wishing that my niece had more time here. I really want her to meet some people I know who truly are happy with themselves. The fact that they like themselves shows not only in their relationships, but also in everything that they do. The fact that they like the person they are, people are drawn to them and want to be near them. One specific couple helped me put together a party last week. Both the husband and wife do not worry about what others think or say, they know inside and out who they are and are more than okay with those people. I just find myself smiling anytime I am near them; it is contagious.
Another example would be my former supervisor while in the Air Force. Not only did they appreciate each other as well as themselves, they tried to teach it to their children. My boss was the person so many came to for advice because people could see that there was something different about him. Even those who could not put their finger on it, just knew that both he and his wife had something so many others wanted to have.
These are the people I would like my niece to meet. I am sure that she has her own role models back where she lives. Since we couldn’t introduce her to these people, my wife and I just talked to her. Though I hope that, even though it is very minimal, she sees what we have as a couple. We do not complete each other. We complete ourselves. What we do do is complement each other; we go well together.
I wish there would be a way to teach this to young people. They think they like themselves, but what they like is what they have and how they look on the outside. I would love to have a class for high school students where they get a better understanding of who they are on the inside. I want them to learn, no matter who they are or what activities they do, they are okay. I leave that to the readers to do one at a time as they mentor young people.
Thank you for meandering with me today.