What Makes a Relationship?

Writers write no matter what. The words are pounding away in our heads demanding that you let them out and put them to paper – or keyboard. Last week and then the weekend were jam-packed full of conferences, teaching, preparing for state testing, two variety shows, and a full day retreat with ninth grade students. Today I went into work early so that I could have the peace of the empty office to get caught up – didn’t happen. However, all day long the topic for tonight kept demanding to come out. So tonight I am tired, but the words want to come out, so I will let them.

This topic comes from a couple of talks that I had over the weekend with some young people. I found it interesting that the teens and young adults of today struggle with the same problems that were around during my young years. In a way, I believe their stress, for this subject, may even be at a higher level. There is no way that I would want to go through these problems again. Yet, many adults have the same issues and pain.

I listened as young people started sharing about relationships and what it is like to date and then break-up. It saddened me to hear how much they felt as if they had to be in a relationship. They were willing to stay with another person due to the fear of being alone, a third wheel, the ugly duckling, the odd person out. Some even mentioned that they were thinking of moving forward in a relationship just to keep the other half.

I felt pain for these young people and their struggles. We started talking about relationships and what it takes to have a successful one. Now I do not claim to be an expert. I didn’t find a successful relationship until I was in my 40s. The one thing I could talk to them about was loving and being happy with one’s self. To me, this is needed before one can even think about trying to be with another.

I asked the teens how many of them like themselves. My heart dropped. I saw eyes hit the ground. I saw nervous smiles and soft giggles. I saw hands half-heartedly raised. I saw few, very few, who could confidently state that they liked themselves. Those teens became the models. How was it that they could love themselves and be willing to share that? Of course the first answer that normally comes with that question is that they were taught it at home. Yes, how a child is taught to think of themselves starts at home, but so much of it comes from their peers. In my years of teaching, I have watched confident students lose that confidence due to comments from adults, mentors, best friends. I have tried to let the students know that those comments can come from jealousy and a want to tear down another. I have also seen young adults try to put their own insecurities onto their partner. The worst part is when the other person accepts those insecurities and claims them for their own.

Regardless of how a person loses, or never even has, confidence, our group talked about the fact that confidence in one’s self helps with how you deal with others. Now confidence is great, but one can still like themselves with even a little bit of confidence. They must also like who they are and where they are going. It reminded me a lot of the post from a few days ago where the question was, “Do you know where you’re going to.” We talked about how if you don’t know where you are going then how can you ask another person along for the ride. All too often, over the last 30+ years of working with young people, I hear how they are looking for somebody to complete them. They want somebody to make them feel good. They want somebody to give their love to. They need a passenger or, worse, a driver. We talk about how some of the best rides are alone with the windows open and the road just passing by. You need to be comfortable in the car alone before you can enjoy it with somebody else.

The last thing we talked about was how it is okay to be alone. Some people have a fear of being with a lot of people, ahem finger pointing at myself, but some people cannot stand being alone for more than a short period of time. The need something or someone to fill the time. I have dated people in the past who expected me to spend 100% of my non-work time with them. While I like the person, I could not see any way that I would be able to do that. As a matter of fact, that is one thing that I love about my wife and me. We can be without each other. Yes, it makes it that much better when we get back together, but it is okay to spend a day or, if traveling, more away from each other. That is our time to grow on our own.

That last part is the key. People must be able to always grow on their own. You cannot depend on others to make you mature and learn. I challenged the students to spend time on their own.

I started by saying that we struggled with these things when we were growing up. I guess we all struggled at different levels. My wanting to date somebody in high school had more to do with the fact that everybody else had somebody they were dating. I wanted to feel like I belonged and was not weird. In the end, it was neither fair to me nor the person I dated.

Fortunately, I grew. It probably helped that I traveled around the world. My life was so busy, I stopped looking for somebody and just started enjoying life. If I found somebody, then I would have a partner to enjoy in my happiness. I would have someone with whom I could share my life while they shared theirs.

Now I don’t want to make it sound like young people should not date. I know some people who feel that teens should wait until in their 20s when they are able to be serious and find a spouse. I get that for which they are hoping. However, I believe that those awkward teen years of dating provide a great learning experience. They learn to communicate, they learn what they are looking for in another, they learn what it means to have to think of someone else just as much as themselves.

I would like to say that everyone learns to be their own best friend and grow. However, I know a number of adults that are always looking for that person to complete themselves. They do not want to recognize that they are complete on their own. They should be looking for a person to share that complete life. I have watched as they jump from relationship to relationship giving no time to reflect when one ends. I have seen them suffer both in bad relationships and in never learning just how great of a person they are. Some of the people I look up to the most are those who are so okay with who they are, it doesn’t matter what others think. If and when they find somebody, they will be ready. Until then….watch out life.

I hope that I keep all of these thoughts when our daughter reaches dating age – you know when she hits 30. I am sure whether this blog is still around or not, these words will come back to me.

Here is hoping that all of you love being with yourself. Thank you for meandering with me today.