Why are We Afraid to Ask For Help?

Why is it that people find it difficult to ask for help? I work with a large number of people throughout our school district. My job is to help people with programs and other issues. I have found on a number of occasions, people will contact me only after their frustration level has reached an all-time high. When I ask why they didn’t call earlier, I hear that they didn’t want to bother me. I believe, from my own personal experiences that they just wanted to be able to do it on their own.

I used to question why people would not ask for help. That is until I took my walk this morning. I love my morning walks, when I can take them, because I allow my thoughts to be free and go where they want to go. Today, I started walking down the street of help and why people – why I – find it so hard to ask for it.

I wrote a while ago about how I was going to get into shape. I was disgusted with where I had allowed myself to travel in the health arena. I was going to start taking the steps that I had done a year ago, but this time I would not quit. I was going to do it. Not with a group, not with a partner, not with my love, it was all about me. I was not going to ask for help. As a matter of fact, I have had friends and colleagues offer me help through invites to join groups. I turned them down. I would do it the same way I had put the weight on – alone. The more I walked, the more I realized that there are many aspects in my life in which I should ask for help but refuse. Why?

The answer actually came to me in the way I treat our daughter. Often times when I see something in my own personality that causes concern, I wonder how I help our daughter to not have them. I want her to be able and willing to not only ask for but accept help when she needs it. The more I walked the more I thought. She does do this, so life is good – nope.

I have always wanted our daughter to also be independent and confident. Wow. This gets so confusing. I started thinking about my reactions when she asks for help. I always ask her if she has tried and done her best at her attempts. I tell her that she should be able to do these things. Now I don’t turn her away from all requests, but I do ask questions first. Am I actually starting her on the road to now being willing to ask for help down the road? Of course, I always look back to see why I am the parent I am.

I started thinking about my own childhood. I can remember my parents giving me the same questions. My parents cared for us, they wanted us to be strong, and they wanted us to independent. Hmmm. They never once told me that I could not ask for help, but when I did, I was made to look at my attempts or if I even had attempted that for which I needed help. It made me start to think that if I asked for assistance that I hadn’t tried hard enough. I believed that needing to ask for help was a sign of failure.

It didn’t help that I grew up Catholic. I can remember being told that “God helps those who help themselves.” Even though I was told to pray when I needed help, those words would pop into my head. I thought that God wouldn’t help me if I hadn’t figured out how to do it now. Now as a grown Catholic, I try to give a different message to my confirmation students, and from here forward I will change my answers to my daughter.

I think back to different parts of my life and wonder, had I asked for help would things have been different. Would I have been better at the different jobs that I had taken on? Would I have been able to publish more books? Would I not be a person who has to be in so deep before I am able to ask for assistance?

So I am going to try to do things differently. When our daughter asks for help, I will sit with her and ask her to show me what she has done. I will not send her away to try harder. I will watch her as she works and give suggestions where needed. I will walk with her as she progresses. My hopes are that as we work together, she will need less help. She will learn as we work together and remember how to do things. I will help her learn the confidence and independence not by sending her away telling her to try harder, but perhaps by giving her the tools and instruction she needs. I won’t make her feel as if she hasn’t given her best, but help her find her best.

As for me, I am going to take the first step. My wife has offered to work with me to get in shape. She has done it on her own and has the knowledge and strength to do this. I will learn from her. Yes, we are going to be using one of the health products to help us, but we are doing it together. I am not going to do this on my own. I will allow someone else to help me as I work toward my goals.

Now I do want to state that I do believe that there is a big difference between asking and accepting help and just having others do it for you. I will make sure that I show the difference to our daughter as we move through life. In the end, I hope that I can show what accepting the help of others can do, and we raise a child who is strong, confident, independent, and knows how to ask for assistance when needed.

So that is where my brain went during my walk this morning. Thanks for meandering with me.