Self-pity toss it out

Have you ever had those days when you would like to just smack yourself as hard as possible and tell yourself to cut the sh*t and snap out of it? I have been in one of those funks over the last couple of days. I have, and maybe this is an introverted thing, sunk deep into myself and have been struggling to come back out. Now as I am starting to come back to the real world, I find that I am somewhat disgusted with myself for allowing things to go as far as they have. Some of the causes were outside of my control, but when all is said and done – all of it the emotional part is controlled by me. I gave myself permission to dive and I dove.

For those who do not know me personally, I work in education. I used to be in a classroom, but now I work in the district office with the title of Instructional Coordinator. This week we started SBAC. For those not familiar with this world of education, the SBAC is the big state test only now it is taken by a number of states. If you are as old as me think of the old Iowa tests that took days to complete and all classes stopped. This is that but on computers.

Part of my job is to coordinate this testing throughout our district. This is year four, and so far we have a great track record for being able to pull this off. While many of the teachers and administrators will tell you how they would rather have class time and not worry about this test, the entire staff ends up pulling together and getting it done. This year has been no exception. Regardless of peoples’ feelings, they worked with the students, prepared, scheduled, and now we are in the midst of it. So far (tapping the side of my head), it is going well.

Life in general is great for me. I have not hidden the fact that I have a beautiful wife and a loving relationship. We have a great daughter who will give us trouble at times, but nothing close to what my brothers and I used to pull (who am I kidding – still do). I love my volunteer time with the kids in confirmation and lecturing. Finally, I have my writing which I love only second to my family. As a matter of fact, since I have started a blog, my eczema has gone away. So why the funk?

I will be quite honest – I do not know. I could blame it on some issues at work. I could say the cause is a lack of sleep with the new workout program. I could say…..insert issue here, but none of them would be the answer. All I know is that over the last couple of days, I decided to have a solo pity party. Nobody else was invited. It was a Mary Tyler Moore party where only the host shows up.

Okay. So why am I writing about it?

I have to say I am writing about it because like most things, I write what I am thinking. Right now, I am totally ticked off with myself for allowing me to go there. I am embarrassed that I could think that anything going on with me should stop me worrying about others – should make me think my problems were bigger than they should have been.

I took a look at the news over the last few days. I know that people have written about how people like me have first world problems. I don’t think that that makes them any less important for the people dealing with them. However, I started really thinking about what is going on globally. I found that I had to open the little box I had placed myself in and look around. Then I put on my best Marine Corps Drill Sergeant and had a little talk with myself.

Over the last week I have been able to count at least 4 attacks. People lost loved ones, people were seriously injured, and people lost their lives. Yet here I am worrying about how some people react to me or treat me.

I look on Facebook and see posts from those have friended me, and I see real pain and hurt. I see people who are brave enough to put their sufferings out there in hopes that they can get support, prayers, and help others. I see people doing good things for others. I see so much more going on than what is happening in my life.

I took some time today to question what the hell was I so bummed out about? I could not come up with a mediocre answer, let alone a good one.

So today, I told myself to knock it off. I started looking at the good things that are going on. Not only in my life but the world. I watched the people of Brussels as they start to rebuild. I watch the families of those attacked in other places and pray for them. I told myself to stop thinking that you are as important as you think you are.

If in the past few days, you have had to deal with me, and I have not been myself – my apologies. I will try to do better. I am going to continue to work on improving myself each day and save the pity party for when I have something to feel sorry about.

I apologize that tonight was not light and funny. I will work on something better for tomorrow.

Thank you for meandering with me today.