I believe that one of the things that keeps me from being considered a serious writer is my fear of rocking the boat and ticking people off. Today is no exception. I had an idea pop up in my head early this morning, and it has been haunting me ever since. I ran post after post through my head. I plotted out how I wanted to present my idea. Every single time I did this, I also picture people getting upset with my words. I could see some people thinking I was pointing fingers. I even had doubts when I sat down to rest today and the Ellen DeGeneres Show was on. It also made me question whether or not I was correct in my thoughts. So here goes. I am going to go through with my thoughts. I will say that these are about life with our daughter.
The title asks if we are spoiling our children with words. Most parents in some form will spoil their children. We want them to be happy. Even families that struggle to make ends meet will save, scrimp, and forgo items for themselves to make their child(ren) happy. We all talk about how we don’t want to spoil them, but we do. We don’t want to see our children wanting – even if it is that new toy that they don’t really need. However, tonight’s post has nothing to do with materialistic purchases. It has to do with the words that we use with our children.
Raising children today is so different than when I was raised. I often read on FB about how children today are disrespectful and it is because they aren’t beaten. While I know that people are not advocating that we beat children, the posts seriously question whether we have become too easy on our children. Friends often state that a spanking here or there for bad behavior, back talk, or other wrong doings is not a bad thing. I see the old adage of “Spare the rod, spoil the child” being tossed around. Are these people correct? I am not so sure about that, but have we gone too far to the other end of the spectrum.
I will admit that my brothers and I were “disciplined” by our parents. My mother could throw a mean pair of wooden Dr. Scholl sandals. She didn’t have to get up. You smarted off and wham, you got it. Our dad did the more common spanking. Although, karma did step in every once in a while. I can remember my brother bringing his foot up to protect his back-side only to break my dad’s finger. Now we were not abused! I need to make sure that is known. I can honestly state that I hardly got a spanking or sandal due to being the youngest of 4. I watched my brothers and learned what not to do. My friends, while growing up, can usually attest to similar events.
Today – today this is not acceptable. I am happy to say that we have never brought hand to bottom for our daughter. I am not sure if this is because we are those parents or if it is because we have a daughter. They are definitely different than boys. Yet, perhaps, we are hurting our children by the way they are being raised today.
This weekend, we had a friend of our daughter’s for three days. This child is an easy-going child. The two get along wonderfully. However, our daughter does have friends that are all similar. They are leaders who want to be in charge. They take turns, but it is not always easy. Add to that a little bit of homesickness and the friend getting a little extra attention and our only child has to deal with the single-child syndrome. This prompted this post. Yes – I am finally getting to it.
While out bike riding today, our daughter, her friend, and I stopped in a parking lot of a playground. We decided to park and let them play. I started moving toward the playground and our daughter called out to wait. I told her we were moving just 20 feet away. I parked my bike to see just the friend. Our daughter was still sitting in the parking lot. I waited, counted to 10, took some deep breaths, and rode back to her. She proceeded to tell me how she felt that we were leaving her out since I would not wait for her. She also brought up a couple of other items from the weekend. I used a word on her that I had never used before. I told her that she was acting selfish. You would have thought I had just used every four letter word in the book on her.
This actually prompted a longer conversation about her actions and expectations. Our daughter is not a bad child. We are very fortunate that we were blessed with the young person we received. She is thoughtful, caring, curious, and beautiful. At the same time, she is an 8 year-old who acts like an 8 year-old. This means that she needs to learn. She needs discipline. She needs parents who will be helping her to become an adult who can deal with the world in life. Today provided one of those moments. So what did I learn from this event?
In today’s world we are very concerned about making children feel good about themselves. We find ways to reword negativity. Instead of saying “No you can’t have that”, we say, “Do you think that is a good choice right now?” or “Perhaps we should work out together how to make this happen.” Coaches no longer tell a child that they are not good enough to make a team. If a child fails at something, we find causes outside of the child not putting in the effort or maybe, just maybe, the child not having the talent or skill required. We would rather avoid the child being hurt for a few moments thereby not teaching the child.
This happens at home, at sports, in music or dance classes, at school, and many other places. We are concerned about the self-esteem over preparing them to be able to deal with difficult situations. Now, before I get lambasted, I am not saying that we need to make children feel like garbage. I do believe that when and where we can we should be encouraging them to do their best, but not at the cost of them never being able to deal with the downside.
I felt bad after the event. I started playing with words in my head. I have read the books and articles. I know I broke their rules. I should have said something like, “Honey, I know that you are dealing with some feelings this weekend. Can we talk about this so that you can feel better?” Part of me would like to be able to go back and do just that. The other part of me smacks me in the head. There are times when we need to call it like it is. Today, our daughter was being selfish. She normally isn’t, so I called her on it. She bounced back in five minutes – I felt guilty all the way home.
I will continue to try to build our daughter’s self-esteem. However, today made me think long and hard about what we are doing to our children. We are spoiling them with our words. We are blaming anything and everything for their actions, words, and behaviors. What will be the price for this? What will happen the first time a high school teacher or professor tells them that their work does not meet expectations? What will happen when their boss says that he/she doesn’t care that their relationship came to an end, they were still expected to work.
So I promise our daughter that I will call her out on her behavior and actions. I will encourage her to do her best (not be perfect) at what she does. I will also let her know when she is being selfish, jealous, uncaring, or just a brat. I will do this for her so that she will be able to deal with life when I am not here.
So there. I put my thoughts to paper. I guess now I wait to see if I offended.
Thanks for meandering with me tonight.