Recently, while out and about, I walked by a father talking to, what I could only believe was, his son. It was during Christmas shopping, and the store was crowded. The lines were long. You could sense more frustration than joy as you moved about the store. The young man, perhaps four, was crying. I will not know what prompted the tears. It could have been the fact that he was told no for a toy, he could have been tired or hungry, or his sibling could have hit him. Whatever prompted the river of tears happened before I was in the area. Still here he stood letting out his emotions. The father bent down close enough that he could have whispered. Instead, he spoke loudly enough for me and others to hear as he stated, “Boys don’t cry.” Those words still echo in my mind. Mom stepped in so I continued walking, still hearing the words.
As I walked I started thinking about how we raise our children and what stereo-types we use even today. Before everyone starts complaining about the father, we need to realize that he had to have been taught that phrase from somewhere. Most likely when he was growing up, those exact words were said to him by a number of people. While we would like to think that, as adults, we are always able to think before we speak – we don’t. I am sure that that father was tired and cranky himself. For all we know the little boy had been asking for the same thing one hundred times while walking the store. Perhaps the son used tears often to get his way. I am not saying that any of the above excuses the words, but none of us are perfect and we all falter. I think stress got the better of him that day. Just the same, I still go back to how we raise children.
I have racked my brain for the last couple of days. I, fortunately, cannot remember a time when my dad every told me that boys don’t cry. I do remember, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” But I was never told I couldn’t cry. Actually, the one thing I can remember my dad telling me not to do was to pinch the back side of one of my friend’s Mom. I digress.
A lot has changed since I was of a single digit age. Many of the gender stereo-types have started to fall away. I only say started since I think we still have a ways to go. Girls are no longer expected to only play house or with dolls. Boys can play with dolls – not those awesome G.I. Joe action figures, but Barbie. Children are told that they can be whatever it is that they want to be. Yet, I still notice that when it comes to emotions and actions, there is still a divide as to what girls can do versus boys and visa versa. We still hold gender stereo-types. That we includes me.
After listening to the Dad talk to his son, I started thinking about how I talk to our daughter. I cannot count how many times I have said, “A young lady doesn’t …..” I tell her every day that she can be a scientist, teacher, astronaut, bakery owner (her goal), anything she wants, and yet I tell her what is the proper way for her to act. Please don’t get me wrong and think that we should not have rules, standards, or expectations on how our children should act. However, shouldn’t that be more on how they treat others as well as themselves? I don’t want a child who thinks that she can do anything regardless of how it affects others. I will tell her no and that is not how she is expected to act, but those comments will not be based on the fact that she is a girl.
So what about boys who cry? Comments on Facebook and other social media state that we are turning into a society of wimps. I see people, men and women, talk about how we are emasculating our men and removing what makes a man a man. I guess I really have to question whether allowing a person to cry is really emasculating that person. Also, I have to agree with some postings in that I would hate to see a country where everyone cries every time their feelings are hurt or they do not get their way. My goodness, if that is going to happen, I am buying stock in Kleenex.
We need to teach our children how to work through their emotions. This includes not always acting out on them, but more understanding what they are going through. We have to allow our children to have the full gamut of emotions; this includes anger. Boys and girls must be allowed to experience anger. They have to be taught that it is okay to have this emotion and find a way to release it.
Humans are made up of so many emotions. Each one has its time and place. For us to tell a child to hide that, we are asking them to hide a part of who they are. Perhaps if children weren’t forced to hide feelings deep down, things such as bullying wouldn’t be.
I can imagine some Marine friends and relatives rolling their eyes are this. Another posting stating that it is okay for boys to cry. I get it. We need both men and women who can be tough to go out and do the jobs that most people would turn away from. We need the warriors who can push down those emotions and do the dangerous jobs. We need the men and women who will stand up to the bad guys and not show fear. That is all well and good. Just as long as when the time comes, they can show the emotions needed to keep from imploding. I have watched a Marine cry. It was probably one of the more emotional sights I will ever see. As for not being tough, I thought that Marine showed more toughness in showing that side of him than if he had sucked it up and walked away.
It is okay for boys to cry. It is okay for girls to stand-up for themselves rather than playing weak. It is okay for children to have and show a wide range of emotions. Instead of telling them what to do, more time should be spent helping them understand these stupid things inside of us that bring tears, anger, happiness, joy, and so much more. The days of “Boys don’t cry” are gone. The time for well-rounded people is here.
Thanks for meandering.