Today we did a task that so many have been doing over the last two weeks. We de-Christmastized. In the past, this has been a bitter-sweet day. It is nice to get our house back in order. We do not have a big place, and the Christmas decorations, while beautiful, make our house just a little smaller. At the same time, I am big into Christmas. For me, packing away each light is like packing away a little memory that may come back next year – I hope. This year, however, this year was different. Put away the Christmas decorations this year was just a chore. This year was unlike the past.
Now I do not write these thoughts for pity or sympathy. I write because writing is what I do. I have thought long and hard about sharing this, and have only decided to do so since there may be others who feel the same and may take solace in knowing they are not alone.
So what happened this Christmas? What happened to the feelings when it came time to take down the joy of the celebration?
There were so many things that happened. I do not know if there was one certain thing or a mixture of some or all of the events over that last few months that came into play.
As most of those who read my posts know, this was the first year without my mom. We still had the chance to get together as a family, but that corner seat on the couch was occupied by another. I would love to be able to say that our Christmases were the same as those seen in a Norman Rockwell picture, but I will not lie. Our family would get together and have a good time, but we didn’t go out singing carols or hug around the Christmas tree. We just were. As a matter of fact, the only thing different for Christmas versus any other get together was the fact that it was cold outside and there was a tree inside. However, just the same, we tried to get together. In looking back over the years, considering we live on opposite coasts, there were a number of years that we didn’t get together. Our Christmases during those years were spent together via phone.
The more I think about it, it is not so much the fact that she was missing on that particular day that caused the hole. It was the number of times that I have picked up a phone to call her that caused the hole to be noticeable. Christmas day, New Year’s Eve at 9 our time, the fact that we made it through our flight back home. All of the little times that I would have checked in with her to make sure she was okay. The phone just remained in my hand.
Living on the opposite coast also takes away from the holiday. Though over the last few years, I understand why my dad finally put his foot down, and we stayed home. With four boys in our family, my mom and dad tried hard at Christmas to get to see all of the relatives. This involved crossing the border into Canada and dealing with customs when we returned with presents. One year, my dad had had enough. He announced that from that point forward if people wanted to see us on Christmas, they had to come to our house. I get my dad. We love seeing all the relatives. However, even our daughter asked if next year, she could wake up on Christmas in our house. I guess she does want to play out the travels of Mary and Joseph any more. The traveling is fun, but when you have to run every day, the joy begins to seep away. (I mean no offense to our relatives, and hey – our home is open for you next year.)
The holiday, itself, pulled a fast one on us this year. I know that most people work right up until the 23rd, but my family is all in education. We normally have a few days off prior to the holiday to get ready. It gives us a little decompression time after finals and grades. This year, we worked on the 23rd, and our daughter was in school. We then flew into Christmas Eve. I do mean flew since our flight landed at 1:30 am.
Our daughter is also older this year. She is nine going on twenty. I have read my past years’ writings about seeing Christmas through her eyes. Some of that twinkle isn’t there anymore. She still loves decorating, the music, and the holiday. It is just not NEW to her anymore. For her, this year was a transition year. She became more concerned with giving presents (just what I would want). She wanted to go shopping and do the wrapping. On Christmas morning, she took the role of the gift giver. Yes, there were smiles and squeals. There was wrapping paper flying through the air. There were hugs and thank yous. She just wasn’t that little girl anymore.
The final thing is the fact that I didn’t give Christmas my time this year. This hurt the most, and may be the true problem. I was worried about work and projects. We had work being started at the house. I had other things that in which I gave priority. I actually passed on my two-day cookie marathon with our daughter. In years past, the two of us would bake up a storm and then get my wife to help decorate and package. While it was a lot of work, it was not until today that I realized how much I missed that.
So today I woke up early. I pulled out the boxes and the ladder. I turned our front yard from a nightly display of lights back into a rectangle of cacti. Throughout it all, I wanted to feel sadness. I wanted to feel a little bit of emotion. I only felt a little frustration when those light up deer wouldn’t go back into their box without a fight – they won.
So what is the answer?
I finished my work and put everything away for next year. I sat down in the backyard and thought about what the heck happened over the last two weeks Then I could hear my mother’s voice in the back of my head.
“What is the problem?”
“I wanted Christmas.”
“You had Christmas. You just didn’t have the one you expected. It happens.”
“So what do I do?”
“First, you be thankful that you had your family. You be happy that you all had the chance and ability to get together. You realize that Christmas isn’t about you being happy. Then you remember all of those people who could not have any Christmas at all. Then you ask yourself, while thinking of them, whether or not you had Christmas.”
Mom had a way of not pulling punches. She was right. I forgot the most important part of life – being thankful for what you do have and the time you have with the family. Life changes and as we get older, it changes a whole lot faster.
I learned today that I was so trying to keep things the way they were in the past, that I forgot to be in the present. I was also avoiding the time of year I enjoy the most.
Next year will be different. I will try to keep whatever traditions I can, but I will not be afraid to start some new ones with my family. We will bake up a storm, we will open our house, and we will celebrate.
I cannot promise myself that I will feel sad next year when I put away the decorations. Then again, why would I want to?
Thanks for meandering with me tonight.