“When I grow up, I want to be a baker.”
“When I grow up, I want to be a D.J.”
“When I grow up, I want to be…”
Words are recently turned 10 daughter has uttered at different times over the last decade. At different times, she had planned out what her house will look like, where she will live, what parts of the world she will see, what her husband would be like; the fact that she won’t ever marry…the list goes on and on. For 10 years, or at least for as long as she been able to talk about dreams, we have heard about where she is going. Recently, that has changed a bit.
I am not sure what happened. Perhaps it was the event of making it to the double-digit years. More than once I heard an adult mention how she was no longer a little kid – she was now the big 1-0. It could be the fact that she is 1-1/2 years from middle school (her own friend who is in middle school has cautioned her about growing up too fast). It could be the events of this past fall. Having to evacuate from your house once and then months later knowing that we were under orders again can have an effect on a kid. It could be seeing family members get older or knowing so many of our friends who are battling different illnesses. In other words, the world is happening and she realizes that she is part of it just like everyone else. Whatever the cause, she seems to be trying to slow things down.
I think it was in the days leading up to Christmas that I started noticing things. While she has always believed in Santa, I really thought that this would be the year for the serious questions to start flying fast and furious. Not a single one came. Instead, it was almost as if her belief had been kicked up a few notches. She did everything possible to stay up and catch the old bearded man in the act this year. I think she talked more about Saint Nick this year than all of the other years combined. It seemed to be a necessity that she believe in the bringer of joy and happiness.
She also brought around an elf to the house this year. She has a little German Elf that had been given to her three or four years ago. It never moved, never sent a letter, never spied on her, and she was okay with that. This year she really wanted to experience Germayne moving about every night and having to find her in the morning. She followed all of the rules that her friends told her about. Her eyes would light up each morning when she had to search high and low to see where her friend had spent the night.
I think the thing that really caught my attention is that she has never been one to play with dolls or little toys all that much. She has always been one to play, but Barbies, Pound Puppies, and the such have never been big around here. Lately though, she has entered into the Chubbie Puppy world and has spent hours playing with them.
It is interesting because she hasn’t regressed. She does well in school, and loves her dance and guitar. She enjoys some of the freedoms that being 10 has brought. She gets up, mixes the pancakes, and cooks them all on her own (under supervision). She has more 
independence when choosing clothes and hairstyles. We even talk more with her about vacations and such. I think she enjoys being a 10 year-old.
Yet, at the same time, I think there is an internal conflict happening for her. Part of her wants to grow up and become (gasp) a teen. Part of her is struggling to stay our little girl. One side of her wants to have that extra freedom and responsibility. The other side wants nothing to do with it – she doesn’t want to have to deal with choices and consequences.
I see her looking in the mirror when she is fixing her hair or picking earrings and I see that young person shouting, “Watch out world, here I come.”
I see her sitting on the floor playing with her toys trying to pull the blanket of our family around her, whispering, “Not yet. I am not ready to be a big kid yet.”
I know that there is no way that we can stop the future from happening. We cannot keep her as our little baby forever. One day, way too soon for me, we will have to let her go or even give a little push to the big world. But today…today, tonight, this week… it is okay. It is okay for you to hold on to your childhood for a while longer. It is okay to not rush into pre-teen years (or teen years for that matter). It is okay to have your day dreams, talk to your stuffed animals, dance with your kitties, and just sing and dance through the day. It is okay to not be the big kid. In the end, we will get through this together, and all will be well.
Just like every Daddy, I wish I could keep the dark side of the world away. I wish that no one would ever suffer. I wish I could keep the pains of growing older far away from our 
door. I know that I cannot. The world is constantly knocking on the door wanting to be let in. I can promise that I will stand next to you for as long as I can. I will carry you when you need it, let you run when you want. While I will not be able to stop every hurt, I will be there to wipe the tears, give the hugs, and suffer with you.
Stay young our little girl for as long as you can. Enjoy the flying through the air on the swing. Believe that your unicorn is magical and will take you away to mystical places. Hold all of this in your heart and keep it colorful for as long as you can.
It is ok.