This past week has been interesting for me. I might be able to say that it was one of my better weeks. I still worked my normal hours. I still had the same amount of tasks ahead of me. The family schedule was still filled with activities. Yet, though most of my life was the same, one small change in my life made for a huge difference in how my week went.
Part of me wants to sit here wondering why I did not make this change earlier, and how much different things could be. Then again that would be falling back into old trappings. I am going to share this and then continue marching forward.
Here is the silly part of all of this. Had I just listened to myself or to my wife as we work with our daughter, had I just followed our advice to a ten year-old, I would have made this change so long ago.
For years I have suffered with wanting to have others like me, and worrying what I did wrong when that just didn’t happen. Even though we often tell our daughter not just be herself and understand that not everyone will like everyone. It is a fact of life. Yet, I am also struck with being a people-pleaser. This might be part of being the youngest of four boys or some other cause – who knows. I am who I am. It is not easy, and has caused me to be called a brown-noser and ass kisser. Things of which I am not.
Last week, I received an email that changed this. Who it was from or what it was about is irrelevant to this post. All I need to say is that it sent such a message that it changed things for me in a permanent way. The person made it quite clear that my help was not required and that in no way would it ever be requested. It also made it clear that no matter what I did or said, this person would never care for me.
When I received the email, at first my old-self stepped up. I wrote (and deleted) a number of emails trying to make things right. I wrote (and deleted) a number of apologies for things I may have done. I wrote (and deleted) emails asking if my assistance might be used in other means. Then, then it happened…
A voice went off in my head asking why I would even want to have anything to do with a person such as this. Why would I keep coming back like a beaten dog asking to be liked? What the hell was wrong with me?
I finally gave myself to permission to let go. I told myself that it was okay not to be liked by everyone. I realized that I was spending way too much time and energy on trying to make relationships where relationships did not exist. I followed the advice that we so often had given to our daughter. Be who you are. If people do not like you for that, so be it. Move on.
All of this leads me to this week. I started looking at more than just this one person. How many others had I been giving so much of my time and energy to who did not deserve, ask for, or want it. I stopped jumping in to situations solely on hoping to repair relationships that were never whole.
I cannot say that I no longer care about how people perceive me. I am working on that. I know who I am. I know what I have to offer. I have a better understanding of relationships. If I wrong someone, I will do all I can do to correct my wrong-doings. If someone doesn’t care for me just because of the person I am, well then I wish you well and I will continue on my path of life. I will no longer stop moving forward in hopes of having another walking the path with me.
The happiness I felt this week permeated into other aspects of my life. The weight off of my shoulders (weight I placed there) made me walk with a spring in my step (I actually danced at work – Okay, my version of dancing). I still had a lot to do. I still needed to help so many. The lack of worrying about how others perceived me made life easier.
Due to this, I am looking at other binds that are holding me back. Over the next week, I am going to be cleaning the garage and backroom. There are so many boxes filled with things from my past of which I store and never look at. How much baggage do those things bring with them? How much lighter will my step be when I start letting those things go?
I am so looking forward to what lies ahead.