Today I write for others and me. I write because I know that putting thoughts down on the fake piece of paper on the screen helps me to process all that is going on in my brain. I also write this post not for comments, but for people who are going through similar issues and can’t quite grasp what is going on. The last part is not an insult. I say that for it has taken me just shy of 53 years to just begin to understand.
Today’s lessons come from letting go.
This morning, for the first time in months, I headed out to exercise. This person who only a year and three months ago did a marathon could only walk – not even jog – 3 miles. I bet the sweat in my shirt could have filled a 2-liter bottle (I may be exaggerating that one). I so wanted to stay in the house. There were e-mails to read, news to watch, breakfast to make, etc. Yet, out I went – finally. Earbuds in, music on, and feet were moving – one foot in front of the other.
I really went today because I did not have the excuse of work. Today was day 2 of vacation. I had also promised my wife that I was going to try. So try I did. I let go of the excuses and “better” things to be doing and went.
I started off looking at the drivers and how they didn’t stop at intersections. I walked by noisy dogs barking. My pace not where it should have been. Then I let go. I let the music in (80’s revolution) and I stopped looking for the bad. I felt the warmth of the sun as it came the mountain. I relished the breeze that blew oh so gently. My pace quickened. I stopped looking for the bad, and started noticing the good around me. The smell of the flowers as they opened filled my nostrils. The gorgeous dogs that were being walked with what looked like grins on their faces. I realized that drivers were stopping at intersections and driveways as I walked along letting me pass instead of cutting me off. I waved an acknowledgement and received one in reply with a smile. Around the third wave, I realized that they were not just returning the wave, but the smile was reciprocal for I was smiling at them.
All of this set me up for a great day at the zoo with our daughter. I even found in the evening, while part of me was looking forward to a nap, I had energy so a second work out happened. But my walk opened up so much more to me about letting go.
I re-realized that I hold on to too many things – both materialistically and mentally. During my walk, I started thinking of what I would be giving up by letting so many of these things go. The answer was one I hated – life would be better. Why would I hate such an answer? It means that I have been wasting so much of my time and energy by holding on.
My wife used to watch a show called, “Biggest Loser.” I am sure most of you have heard of it. As the contestants struggled to lose weight, their trainers always worked with them to find out why they held on to the life that brought them to this point. They would tell the men and women that until they worked through that, they would just continue on the roller coaster of weight, but once they worked through the problem(s) the roller coaster would come in to the station and life would begin.
I know my current weight is my doing. Want the excuses – stress of work, the number of hours I worked, being too tired to get up and do it, obligations to the family, it’s not the beginning of the week (you can only start a program at the start of the week), it’s too cold, it’s too hot, I need to watch the news, I …
The real problem was none of these, but they sure made it easy to forget the elephant in the room. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t give time to me for that meant (supposedly) I was taking time away from someone or many. I was afraid to see what I could become and then look back on what I was.
The bigger issue was that this was not only with my weight. I stopped writing thinking that my work wasn’t good enough – though I really write for myself so what does that say about me as a critic. I would post things on Facebook and then worry whether or not I offended people (and if I did – delete). I would volunteer time and then get upset when people would recognize my efforts.
I had/have to let go of worrying about how people perceive me. I know I have written this before, but this is a problem that is bigger than just me. I continuously worry about this, and to make matters worse, it is not just the living for which I worry. I often sit and wonder how my parents, grandparents, passed friends would feel about who I am today.
I realized that I have a lot of doo doo of which to let go. I envy those who, at least appear, truly go through life not worried about how people see them. If they make enemies that means that they have taken a stand. If someone doesn’t like what they are doing – oh well. I may not become someone like that, but I definitely want to be a different me.
This was one hell of a walk today. I realized (for the one hundred trillionth time) that in my house were the only people that mattered – my wife and our daughter. People who stand behind me and support me no matter what. Two people who, just like in the real marathon, will always be at the finish line cheering me on. People who I would go the end of the earth for and slay every dragon to protect them. I realized that I needed to let everything else go in order to keep holding them for my arms are only so big.
This is now the summer of me (ok. Work through this. Let go of the fact that you are worried that this sounds selfish). I am going to be working on being a better me so we can be an even better family. I sat and jotted things down that I will need to do to make this happen. This will involve some meditation, prayer, prayer, and more prayer. It will involve writing down goals and caring them out. I will need to get up and leave things behind while I work-out to find the healthier me.
I will work on figuring out how to let people have their own opinion of me without it changing who or what I am. I will not stop helping people, but worry less about how people see that help. Work will continue – an honest day’s work for an honest day’s wage. I will start writing more and if that writing bothers people then maybe I am saying something that needs to be said. I will no longer delete because it may offend.
I will also let go of those who have passed. The memories I have our wonderful, and those I will keep. However, I will no longer worry about whether or not I am making them proud. I won’t worry if my decision would live up to their standards. I will remember them with a smile, but no longer allow them to control me.
This last part is the hardest, yet I feel that if I am successful at the above – it will happen. I will stop hiding and shying away from going out and enjoying life. Our daughter is only young once, and I refuse to stay home anymore because it is a party of function with a lot of people. I will celebrate every day, hour, minute, second with my family.
So this seems to be all about me – why am I posting it? I am posting it because in my circle I know too many who suffer similar issues. I hope that by my being willing to put all of my faults out there and let them go – hopefully it may help someone else.
So here is to all of you – you know who you are. Let’s turn this into the summer of letting go.